I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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