I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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