Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
