Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
