Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Randomize
