Acid is not a monday night drug
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
