last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
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