so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
3 2 1 whiskey
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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