My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
barbara walters just said penis...
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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