maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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