Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
