My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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