So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I faked an abortion last night.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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