I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
either way he was missing a nipple.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
