I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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