I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
