My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
