a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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