Old men and throwing up are my life now.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize