I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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