fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
