I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
