it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Randomize
