I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
