Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
is it fun? or sober?
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