The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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