I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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