that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
