he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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