Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
