there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
