and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
