I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize