"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
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