My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
