They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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