Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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