my shit smells like andre
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Randomize
