I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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