I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
