Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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