did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize
