If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
She bit a glass in half.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize