The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
