Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
