I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
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