**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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