Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
