I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Randomize
