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Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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