My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Two words: blizzard sex
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
