Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Randomize