this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Randomize
