Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Randomize
