I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
