if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
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