That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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