Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
