I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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