We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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