He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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