Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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