I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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