i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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