Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
