his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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