Do you still have your period?
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
