The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
