Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
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