I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
