my room smells like sperm. sweet.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
